A humdrum trip to Florida, and the Giants come to town

Among the many clever, profound, and memorable things that legendary Giants coach Bill Parcells has said, “You are what your record says you are” isn’t one of them. Would you rather be the 2-0 Saints who have scored 62 more points than they have allowed, or the Houston Texans who are also 2-0 but have only scored only 8 more points than they have allowed? Or consider the 2-0 Steelers who have scored a total of 31 points, by way of 1 lonely touchdown and 8 field goals. (To be fair, Parcells’ comment becomes more true as the season progresses and the sample size becomes larger.)1

Regardless, the Browns are not 2-0, rather they sit squarely at 1-1 after a lackluster win over the listless Jaguars last week. It’s probably not fair to criticize the Jags for being listless, it must truly be soul-sucking to be forced to live in Jacksonville, Florida. Despite the occasional excitement that Florida Man brings, there’s really not a lot of options for fun in Jacksonville. (Although I do think there is a combination Applebees/dog track in town.) In any case, Deshaun Watson seems to have progressed from dead last in quarterback rating, to second from last. The scintillating 186 yards with no touchdowns was hard to turn away from, talk about must-see TV. The offense continued to look as disheveled as a hobo in Smichov (The hobo is right to be offended by this comparison). The defense looked good, almost great, although I’m not sure it was against an offensive juggernaut. And actually the Browns only lead 16-13 with 2 minutes to go, when the pride Cerritos College2, Cory Bojorquez, dropped a punt on the one yard line. Trevor Lawrence panicked, and took a safety which sealed the game. So perhaps this game is best described as a win, despite a shaky offense.

This weekend, the New York Giants come to town. Readers of this blog are familiar with the disdain I have for all of New York City, the New York Yankees, their shitty pizza, the stupid rat that tried to eat that shitty pizza, and the endless amount of scaffolding that encases entire city blocks. Probably the Giants are excited to be away from that sewer-like maelstrom on the eastern seaboard and come to Cleveland. However, they bring with them an 0-2 record, and are coming off a brutal last second loss last week. Daniel Jones is the skipper of this (foundering) ship, and is still shaking the rust off after an injury-shortened 2023 season. He is talented (hence the nickname “Danny Dimes”) and there are good pass catchers on this team, most notably Malik Nabers with 193 yards in games. The run game is terrible, and the defense is abysmal, so I’m confident that Cleveland can keep Nabers wrapped up and limit New York offense all day.

However, I really don’t know what to expect from The Browns on offense. Our superstar receiver Amari Cooper has been largely absent and ineffective so far. It could be he’s still irritated with the rumors that Cleveland was trying him over the summer, and he was barely around during training camp. So maybe the chemistry will improve over time. By all means, this ought to be a “get right” game and Cooper should go for 150 yards and 2 scores, and the Browns should control both sides of the ball. But the Browns have been known to brown things up now and again. However, despite my misgivings about this team, the coach, the ownership, the stadium, the peanut vendor in section 132…. I am still going to pick the Browns to win this game, something along the lines of 27-13.

1 It’s worth noting that the Chiefs are 2-0 with a 9 point differential, but teams that make deep playoff runs each year are exempt from this analysis. It’s reminiscent of the Patriots who were usually mediocre in September, only to roll over everybody in December and January. “It’s not how you start, it’s how you finish” (quote attributed to me in the 1998 Pittsburgh Marathon)

2 Alumni from Cerritos College include Joe Gibbs, Bobby McFerrin, Marcelo Balboa, and John Force.